So drunk. Do freakin' srunk!
Yes, your blogging hero is very drunak and can barely type.
i like the being drunk aznf i hope yoyu are qwel as well.
#!

i like bloddy maries!!!!
especia\llty with too much tobasco!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Blog of the week
What do you do when you discover a fantastic blog ostensibly written by a rabbit?

Cottontail says, Link to it.

Recommending Genius
Awestruck.

Charlotte meets the President
As I type, school girl soprano Charlotte Church is appearing as a panelist on long running BBC news quiz "Have I got News For You?" She has met some very famous people in her time, including the Pope, Queen Elizabeth and President Bush.

Two quick stories worth repeating:

On meeting The Queen, it quickly became obvious that Her Royal Highness wasn't entirely sure who Charlotte was. "Don't be silly Elizabeth! She's Charlotte Church," offered Prince Phillip helpfully. "We listen to her on Classic FM all the time."

So wonderfully domestic. And finally, someone other than Ron willing to admit they listen to Classic FM.

Charlotte also told about the time she first met President Bush.

"Where are you from Charlotte?"

"Wales, Mr President."

"And what state is that in?"

Skeptics corner
I recommend to you this great little article from US newspaper The Tallahassee Democrat. It's a wonderfully sardonic take on the current crop of conspiracy theorists who have been crawling out of the woodwork since September 11th. Definetly worth a read.

Tallahassee: What a teriffic name! It sounds almost musical.

Don't ask me where it is; I don't know. Southern, perhaps? It wouldn't take much effort to find out for sure, but where would the fun be in that?

Links you may have seen
Most of these links have done the rounds at one stage or another. I present them in this handy-dandy digest form as a service to those people who delete everything in their inbox on the assumption that it's probably spam. For at least one of these links, you will need to have your speakers turned on. So turn them on NOW! I'm serious, you really might as well not bother unless you have sound.

But before we get into that, playing on my stereo at the moment is Daria from Cake's Fashion Nugget. Is this the coolest song of the past 10 years? The Magic 8-ball says...






Kieran's Digest
Are you sick of reading all that Spam? Me too! Don't you wish there was somebody out there who would read it for you?

What's wrong with this picture? It might take you a few moments to figure it out, so stick with it. It's worth the effort.

Thanks to Justin for pointing me towards this. Don't click if you are offended by sex-related humour. Or if you're a kid. Or if you're a reasonably cute woman who I might like to ask out some day, but who wouldn't give me the time of day if you thought I was some kind of pervert for linking to slightly suggestive material.

It's Friday. Again
Time for my second wack at the by now ubiquitous Friday Five:

1. What are your hobbies?I hate to be predictable, and I'm sure that half of this week's Friday Fivers will say the same thing, but at the moment, my main interest is Blogging. I haven't done any real writing since I abandoned my novel to the dustbowl of history, so the blog is a great way to get back in touch with that aspect of myself. I hadn't realised how much I'd lost.

2. Do you collect anything? If so, what? Maybe. I don't know if you can call what I have a collection, but I suppose I search eBay every so often for memorabilia related to the films of Whit Stillman. No "Whit Who?" comments please.

3. Is there a hobby you're interested in, but just don't have the time/money to do? I'd like to try physical exercise. I hear it's pretty expensive.

4. Have you ever turned a hobby into a moneymaking opportunity? I remember once, as a very young child, selling rocks I found to neighbourhood mothers. Needles to say, my own mother was not enamoured of my mercinary charms.

5. Besides web-related stuff (burbs, rings, etc.), what clubs do you belong to? None. Not since University, anyway. Oh hang on, until recently I was a member of an fairly embarassing club, but I'm not going to tell you its name. I have my pride. Well, some.

I let my membership lapse because all I really got out of it was a mediocre monthly magazine. The magazine usually stayed wrapped in plastic throughout its entire journey from letterbox to landfill.

No, I'm not going to tell you the name of the organisation. I'll give you a hint, though: Table.

Hating blogs without proper links: Part II
Unfortunately the last posting went off on something of a tangent, and never actually got around to the issue which it was meant to address. Namely Blogs without proper links. For those not particularly au fait with Blog Publishing, you should know that many blogs have a little hyperlink at the bottom of each entry. For example, at the bottom of this story you should see the word Link underlined.

That's what I'm talking about.

One of those thingies.

They allow another blogger to link back to that specific entry. The link should stay valid even after it disappears into the blog archives. If I were to read a very funny spoof report linking Elvis Presley to the production of the third Lord of the Rings movie in, say, Danger Mouse's Journal, I would be able to send you to the actual story, rather than just tell you to, say, scroll down until you came across the words Thursday, April 4th, 2002 3:10 pm - Part 3 of Lord of the Rings to be modified.

Oh, figure it out.

Why I hate bloggers without proper links
Before I start whining about Why I hate bloggers without proper links, I just want to ask any Brits reading this blog a question: Is anyone, other than me, watching this bizzare new show on Channel 4 called The Book Group? I thought not. Do me a favour, please watch. It's just that I have the feeling no one else knows this show exists, and I absolutely adore it. It's wonderfully surreal; the main character Claire is fabulously rude. The woman who plays her, Anne Dudek, is just so cute and funny. How could you not love her? Well, take a look...



OK, enough with the pathetic slobbering. Anyhow, while I was visiting the Channel 4 website, I noticed that they now offer a fancy-schmancy test called a Gay-o-meter. Now as every web surfer worth their salt knows, this can be nothing but a blatant rip-off of The Spark.com's long standing, and frankly much funnier, Gay Test.

Shocked? Not really. If the web is about anything, it's about stealing content; so nothing new under the sun on that score. Channel 4 has, however, made one slight addition to the genre. Tie-ing in with a recent documentary on the subject, they now offer a new test: The Pet-O-Meter!

Ever wondered which way Fido swings? Is he playing it straight, or chasing a different kind of tail all-together? Now you can find out for sure.

No, I am not making this up.

Ron has words
When I posted this piece on the ITV Digital / Football League disaster, I asked my friend Ron Meldon to take a look. After all, I'm an Australian, and subsequently all I know about soccer is that the ball is a funny shape, the players like to kiss each other and the fans like to kill each other. Have I over simplified things?

Anyhow, I received this emailed review just moments ago. I'm still chuckling. Thankfully Ron, good-hearted chap that he is, has given me permission to republish it here:


When you said you'd written a "football-related story" what immediately came to mind was a review of Fulham v Middlesbrough (that was a valuable win for Fulham wasn't it?) and I wondered if we were going to get something like this...

After 23 minutes, a white-shirted player kicked the ball down the end where there were a lot of red-shirted players, but a white-shirted player got to it first and he ran faster than the two red-shirted players who tried to get the ball off him and kicked it into the goal. Another player who was wearing big gloves (in spite of it being quite a warm night) tried to prevent it going in with his hands (I thought you weren't supposed to do that) but it still went in. The man in black and purple blew his whistle and everyone in the crowd cheered, so I suppose it was a goal. 1-0 to the White Shirts.

Mercifully, we were spared that.



But it might have been a piece on Ulrika Jonsson, who has recently become Football-Related, and who is blonde (and is almost as difficult to spell as Guinness Paltrow) and tasty, in spite of you preferring brunettes I don't think. It would be in character for you to have done a piece on Comparative Pectoral Pulchritude -- you know, Is More Better? or Never Mind the Quality, Feel the Cup-Size. But we were spared that too.

And what did we get -- Money! The root of all evil blog-entries! But it was coherent enough for me to understand and provoking enough for me to be moved to post a Comment[1] so it must have done its job.

Lest We Forget
Hello to any readers back home in Australia. As you all know, and as I just discovered, today is ANZAC day. For those readers not blessed to be Australian, ANZAC day is the one day each year where we comemerate those brave men and women who put there lives on the line in the service of their country. In every town and city across Australia, the thinning ranks of veterans march, drink and play two-up, as they remember those who are no longer with them.

Anyhow, I found this wonderful picture of this morning's march in my home town of Sydney at the Sydney Morning Herald site.

Not proud
I am not proud, not one little bit, to be linking to this site. Kind of exploitative, kind of offensive, but, you know, funny. Once you get the joke, much of what remains is redundant, but it's still worth a visit. In my opinion it would have been funnier had they left out the final two-thirds of the page.

When you get the part about Nansee, look for a very small hyperlink just after her name. Be sure to click on it.

Someone has a very strange sense of humour.

Kitty!

Two all kitty patty
Special paws,
Lettuce, cheese,
Whiskers, onions,
On a sesame seed bun.



Whatever you do, just save the kitties.

1 Digital TV Network: Going Cheap
The good folks at eBay move pretty fast these days. Only last night The Register posted this amusing piece about an eBay auction offering the withering husk of the beleaguered ITV digital terrestrial network (aka ONdigital) to interested buyers, and already they've pulled the ad. Just before I could get my bid in too!

Spoil sports.

Anyway, here is the text of the advertisement as it originally ran on eBay:

Digital television provider, barely used, slightly faulty. Complete with all manuals, unsold set-top boxes, customers and debts.

Quick sale wanted due to legging it away from all the people we owe money to.

Winning bidder pays £178.5m owed to the Football League.

Will accept cash only.

According to The Register, the highest bidder at the time of posting their piece last night was a character called PissMonkey, who had offered a whopping £10 Million.

That's more than ITV Digital's creditors will ever see.

Soccer teams across Britain are looking closely at their books and in most cases finding that without the promised £178m, the numbers simply do not add up. Even before this latest debacle, many smaller clubs (and let's face it, that's most of them) were having hard times. Fulham FC, only promoted to the Premier league last year, lost a record £24m trying to play with the big boys. While I'm not crying any crocodile tears for the losses of club owner and self-confessed spawn of satan Mohamed Al Fayed, I think it's legitimite to ask if costs are out of control. Across the board.

Unfortunately it's not going to be the few high profile and highly salaried players who will be taking the hit. David Beckham will not be losing any sleep. No, as the dust settles on the Football League, it will be the journeymen who will feel the pinch, or the axe. Already some First Division teams are culling players. Many smaller clubs will doubtless close.

So who's fault is it? In retrospect, ITV Digital's decision to sign a three-year, £315m contract was nothing but corprate hubris in the extreme. The Football League believes ITV Digital's parent companies Carlton & Granada must take responsibility, but they are clearly unwilling to swallow such a huge debt. Was it the greed of the clubs or that of the players that lead to the signing of such a fantastical suicide pact with ITV Digital? I don't know, I don't even follow the game. Much. But I think corporate disasters of this size must serve as some kind of warning.

Let them write large on the tombstone of ITV Digital that it
Died on the alter of Greed.

Last downbeat entry for a while. Promise
More links on Christopher Price's tragic passing.

Obituaries:
The Guardian, The Times and The Telegraph.

News Reports / Theories:
The Times just comes right out and says it; that Price was "believed to have committed suicide." They go on to add that he was "understood to have taken an overdose of barbiturates while suffering from depression." In fact all the papers make a point of mentioning Price's moodiness and occasional depression.

The Guardian holds back a bit, calling Price's death a "tragic accident" and quotes one friend of the dead presenter as saying that "If he was going to do it, he'd have done it with a flourish."

The Telegraph suggests that Price, who had been off sick with the flu for the past two weeks, "might have choked on his own vomit." They seem to be suggesting that the vomitting might be flu related, but I think we can read between the lines.

So sad.

OH MY GOD! Christopher Price 1967-2002
I've just heard. Christopher Price is Dead! I'm in shock.



For those who don't know, Christopher Price was the host of BBC Choice's Liquid News and was without a doubt the funniest, wittiest, most entertaining man on British television. As I type this, they're doing a tribute show on BBC Choice. All of the highlights from the show are so funny, yet it's hard to watch. A smile and a tear.

BBC reports say he was found at home yesterday and that there were no suspicious circumstances. According to this report police will performing an autopsy before deciding.

According to This is London hack Patrick McGowan, Price, who once described himself as a 'gay, bald, fat man', was suffering from depression. It's hard to imagine. On television Price was always ready with a quip, always ready to prick the pretensions of the famous & self important.

You can leave your tibutes to Christopher on the Liquid News message board.

Another tribute.

What Women Want
It's an age old question. No one can say what women want. They write books about it, they make movies, and in the end it comes down to theories. Because, and you can easily prove this, either women don't know or they don't want you to know.

Try this at home: Ask a women some specific question on a gender-related topic. Keep it casual. The question itself is not terribly important.

Then wait. Weeks, months, you decide.

Bide your time.

Skulk, if you want.

In the fullness of time, meet up with your woman friend again ask her out for a few drinks. Keep the mood light and when she least suspects, bring up the issue you asked her about lo those many months ago. Before she gets a chance to spout, repeat the matter of her earlier views as if they were your own. Watch her smile. What do you suppose she is thinking?

[a] At last! A man who understands!
[b] Hey, didn't I say that first?
[c] Stupid man!

What did you answer? A? You would like to thinks so, but no. B? Seems plausible, but again not likely. No the answer is C. That smile is a smile of condescension. She will either be charmed by your naiveté or will smugly find in your sexist generalizations yet more evidence for her cynicsim about men.

Here is what it comes down to: Women, and women alone, have annointed themselves the gatekeepers on issues of gender and inter-gender relationships. Men are not supposed to have opinions on such matters. If you ever figure out anything important about women, keep it to yourself. Your significant other will not thank you. I know it sounds horribly sexist, but women like to think men find them mysterious. If you ever want to watch a woman coo, tell her that you've given up trying to understand her. Loving exasperation is the preferred tone.

Well, it's a theory anyway.

Another theory holds that all women really want is to find a good conductor. I suppose I could learn to wield a batton.

More news from the world of sport
According to The Blogdex the current number one most linked to page in the weblog community is this report. I'm not too proud to keep the web log rolling. It ought to raise a... err... smile, at the very least.

And you thought Women's Golf was boring.

Spring with a vengeance

Spring is sprung
De grass is riz
I wonder where dem boidies is?
Some say de boids is on de wing
But dats absoid!
De wing is on de boid.

I know that there are lots of variants of this poem, but this is the one I learnt and I’m planning on sticking with it.

What a wonderful day! The sun is not only out and shining, but it’s warm. I’m almost tempted to say it’s hot, but I don’t want to get carried away with myself. This is the kind of weather I was enjoying in Southern Germany a few weeks ago; thankfully it has finally followed me back to the UK.

Good news. The letting agent finally sent someone around to do an estimate for repairs to the roof and mouldy walls. From all he said, I think the agency thought he might have been able to do them on the spot. Thankfully, this guy seems to know what he is doing, and agrees with me that the entire roof in the kitchen will have to be re-done. Another patch job will do nothing to resolve the key issues. So I’m waiting to hear back from Lane’s.

In other news, Mark Merrison is back on-shore for a week before heading back for a five-week hitch on a new rig. Plans are for a bit of a drinking session on Saturday night. If you’re reading this Mr Jones, excuses short of Satanists committing an act of defenestration upon your person will not be accepted. And besides, we need to hear all about your experiences in the world of the luvvies. I mean we read about these people, the air kissing, the "daaaaahlinks!" and all that other good stuff, but to hear it from an insider!

Gosh.

People Say The Nicest Things
Unfortunately Cimmi doesn't have any linkable tags on her postings, but if you care to visit her wonderful blog and then scroll down to the entry dated 04-15-02 - 12:49am you will find some particularly interesting and insightful commentary. Now where did I leave that Nobel nomination form?

Less Seriously Folks...
At some point, every nascent programmer will be given the task of writing a program which will calculate prime numbers. It's one of those things which sounds easier than it actually is. Anyhow, follow the link and you'll see the most original method for the calculation of prime numbers yet devised.

What did you say? Oh, you're kidding?

[Sigh] Fine then -- A prime number is a whole, positive number which may only be divided by itself and one. Eg 5, 7, 11, etc. Happy?

More Potty Fun
Well, we've seen what would happen if programmers made toilets. But how about hardware manufacturers? Say, for example, Steve Jobs got it into his head that he should starting producing Apple branded potties. How bad could it be? For some, these are the issues which try their souls. For Steve Murray I think it was pretty much an just excuse to show how clever he is. And so, without any further ado, I present to you the iToilet.

But Seriously Folks...
This Middle East thing has been going on for so long now and it shows no sign of ending soon. I've been reluctant to post too much about it, simply because I have no real insight to offer. Every time I read another news story, editorial, feature or even blog on the topic I can't help but feel that I am woefully out of touch. One person screams about the deaths in Jainine and I feel certain that Israel has gone too far, then another writes about Arafat signing the orders which sent a bomb strapped girl into a pizza parlour and I shudder. Because I want there to be a right and wrong in this story. I want to be able to take a stand. I want to appreciate the horror of the situation in a context which will make sense of it all. But try finding one. Just try.

I don't think there is an easy way to read this story. Yet every article I come across suggests that there is. They're all so sure. And while I'm reading a given piece, I am sure that the author is right. The problem is that the pundit's certainty abandons me as soon as I turn the page or click on the next hyperlink.

There are a lot of Bloggers out there posting daily on this issue, and I've certainly come to it rather late in the day, but let me point you towards culture and technology commentator Douglas Rushkoff. In a recent posting he had this to say:

Everyone knows that Israel has to go back to 1967 borders. And everyone knows that the insane (Israeli) settlers of the West Bank would rather die than leave. For Israel to get them out of the settlements, the Israeli army will have to kill a few Israeli Jews. There's just no other way. These people demonstrated their intentions by killing Rabin when he tried to make peace offerings.

But before Israel is going to go ahead and kill Israelis, they want Palestine to go ahead and kill a few Palestinians, first. It sounds a bit mad, at first, but follow the logic. Israel needs to know that Palestine will take care of their crazies - the suicide bombers and angry terrorists who will never ever agree to an Israeli state. And, in return, Israel will remove and, in the process, kill a few of its own crazies.

Some of the disputed territory is basically Jerusalem suburbs. No biggie to let Israel hang on to some of that in return for something else. It's the completely inappropriate and antagonist fortresses in the West Bank that have to go. But whoever it is on the Israeli side that finally agrees to make the full and necessary concessions will have to take some steps against his/her own people. And whoever it is on the Palestinian side that agrees to an Israeli state will have to do the same.

Is he right? I honestly have no idea, but at least it's coherent. It's often tempting to go for the clear, simple analysis. Despite my personal musical godess Jewel once singing, rather implausibly I've always thought, that What's Simple Is True, I've rarely found much of a corelation between simplicity and truth. In fact, if there's a corelation, I'm sure it's a negative one. That said, it's as worthwhile a piece as I've read today, and until I read another article tomorrow which convinces me of something else, I'll stick with it.

Any thoughts?

Stealing Material
The following is a joke which I have appropriated from someone else's Blog. Unfortunately I can't find the link, so you will just have to trust me when I say that I didn't write it. I did, however, read it, and it is indeed very good.

So this guy and his dog go on safari in Africa. The dog's wandering when he notices a leopard heading his way, looking hungry. The dog realizes he could be in trouble. Then he spots some bones on the ground, and starts chewing on them, with his back to the leopard. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog says, "Man, that was a delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

The leopard stops in mid-lurch and slinks away, realizing how lucky he was to get away from that vicious dog.

Now there was this monkey who'd been sitting in a tree watching the whole thing. He figures he can get in good with the leopard, so he runs up to the cat, and explains the stunt the dog just pulled.

"Get on my back monkey, and we're both going to eat dog tonight," the leopard says, and they head off to take care of the conniving canine.

The dog sees the leopard coming back, this time with the monkey on his back, and thinks, What in the hell am I going to do now? Then instead of running, the dog just stops and sits with his back to the leopard. Just as the leopard and monkey get close enough, the dog says, "Now where in the hell is that stupid monkey, I swear you can't trust them. I sent him off half an hour ago to get me another leopard, and he's still not back."

And speaking of monkeys, I suppose now would be the appropriate moment to mention that I Like Monkeys. You know, I think it was Adam (evil domain sitter that he is) who first pointed me in the direction of the I like monkeys poem.

That was a couple of years ago now.

The poem itself has been around in one form or another for a much longer. In fact, so many people have parodied it, praised it, forwarded it, ripped it off and even produced ponderous literary criticism of it, that it has become something of an Internet Institution. A cliche, even.

Well, none of that changes the fact that I Like Monkeys!

Recommending Amy
I heartily recommend this website and/or product: penelope banana kerouac ecstasy

Food for thought
"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -- Hanlon's Razor.