They think it's all legover!
For more better late than never commentary on Ulrika-ka-ka Jonsson and Sven Goran Eriksson's ill-fated affair, take a look at the cover of the current Private Eye.

Meanwhile Schweppes Soft Drinks are running a new campagin which has a little fun with the story. The print ad, which looks like a telephoto lens paparazzi shot, shows Sven and Ulrika look a-likes caught in a compromising situation by Sven's girlfriend.

Hugely entertaining.

Why I like McSweeney's
This is my second attempt at writing this piece. The first was lost.

I like McSweeney's. I like the way they do things. Their latest issue was hand delivered to me by a courier wearing a tie. On opening the package I discovered two roughly cut pieces of coarse grey cardboard holding in place what can only be described as a series of booklets. The whole thing, which was about 4cm in width, was held together by the chunkiest rubber band I have ever seen. On removing the band, the booklets, of which there were ten or more, tumbled softly into my lap. They ranged in size from that of a modest novel to a MacDonalds nutritional pamphlet. Each was a work of art.

The previous issue was bound more conventionally as a book. What made it unusual was that it included an CD of largely new and orignal pieces by my favourite band, They Might Be Giants. Each of the articles and some of the pictures had their own accompanying track on the CD. You were supposed to listen to that track as you read the piece.

Wow.

The McSweeney's website does things rather less grandly, but the content is just as unique. One of their long running series is a collection of lists. Each Monday, I check in to discover what's new.

Here are some of their lists which I thought you might find interesting. Some of these were in my original list; Some of them weren't. All I can say is that when I went back, I discovered new ones, and failed to find some others. This list is longer, though, so overall you're getting better value for money:


Actual Band Names That Double As Excuses for Showing up Late to Work

Actual Comments Made about Ozzy Osbourne on the Official Message Board for "The Osbournes" TV Program

Actual User Comments in the "Fat Cats" Photo Gallery at CuteCats.com

Assorted Chances, Good and Bad

Actual Bullet Points from a Handout for a Philosophy Class on Consciousness

Tom Cruise's Smile, Circa December 2001

Capitalized Words and Phrases Appearing in the Official Sea-Monkey Handbook

Ten Poets Named Like Porn Stars

Pickup Lines That Went Unnoticed

Top Ten Favorite Movies List With an Entry That Reveals the List-Maker as Someone Only Pretending to Be an Assistant Professor of Cinema Studies at an Australian University

Remember in "Passenger 57" When Elizabeth Hurley Says "How Would You Like Your Steak, Sir?" and He Says "Bloody!" and Then They Start Shooting People? OK. Five Other Ways He Could Have Liked His Steak, With the Concomitant Killing Methodologies

Actual "To-Do" List Found on Ground in Parking Lot in Downtown Indianapolis, Published as a Warning to Steve About Potential Atypical Behavior of an Otherwise Kind and Generous Person

Dares and Double-Dares I Took Prior to My 10th Birthday, and Their Consequences

Strippers Who Care

And my personal favourite...
How Many Members of Each of the Following Religions It Takes To Screw in a Lightbulb

ac

Me complaining
It happens to every blogger sooner or later. You click on the post & publish button, all full of your self worth, and the little blogger window with your exciting new post disappears, only to be replaced by some IE server error type message.

And you've lost your post.

The first time it happened, I wasn't sure that it wasn't my falut. The second time, I swore a lot. I promised myself that whenever I was about to post, I would first copy my words to the clipboard. So easy to do, just Ctrl A followed by Ctrl C. From that moment on, I would be safe. None of my carefully crafted words would ever be lost again.

I followed this new policy vigorously. I kept it up for almost a whole week! But eventually the stress of having to remember to press Ctrl A followed by Ctrl C became too much to handle. I became sloppy. Sometimes I would just press the Ctrl A, sometimes just the Ctrl C. It was just too much pressure, and so, little by little, my standards started to slip. Six days into my new policy, I was simply typing the letter C at the end of each article and hoping for the best. If you take a look into the acrhives, you'll see a few of these tragic pieces. Each C is a signpost to my own inadequacies.

Oh, the shame.

The third time I lost a post was just now. I wrote a nice little piece about McSweeney's full of labouriously cut and pasted links. I may try retyping it, I may not. If I don't, well you wont have lost much. All I've lost is part of my soul.

ac

Why I'm glad I'm me
Well, for starters, by being me I'm not able to be this guy. And, phew, let me tell you, that's something to feel good about. Really dodged a bullet that time. Can anyone figure out what he's on about?

I can sing better than Eugene Mirman, the marvellous crooning child.

I don't support Manchester United.

I'm not a goose and I wasn't born in Canada.

I don't want to leave any female readers out; You can be glad you're not Hollywood superstar and hippy freak, Melanie Griffith. Now you know that I'm not the judgemental type, but I think we owe it to the world to be honest here; There might just be something wrong with this woman.

Official: Kieran gives up
I have given up on my newspaper column template idea. I admit it, I couldn't get it to work. This new template has just the one column devoted to blog content, but it works and it looks a darned sight better than the old one. Maybe I'll do something about the banner next. Anyhow, thanks to all the folks that made suggestions.

Yes, during the design process there has been a dearth of new content, so I promise I'll come up with some today. Later on.

I've just checked the new layout in my Opera browser and for some reason the left side bar is all messed up. Is there no end to my woes? Netscapers and AOLers: How does it look to you?

Update!
Now tweaked so that even 800x600 users will see it correctly. Thanks to Ron for alerting me to the problem. I was a bit surprised to discover (according to Bravenet) that 38% of visitors to my site have their screen resolution set to 800x600. It would have been dreadful if they didn't see the site correctly. Now it's only Opera users that will have problems -- Fingers crossed.

Progress report 2
OK, so here's my first go at the new design. All I have to do now is figure out some way to get half the entries into the right column.

There has to be a way.

All suggestions / comments welcomed!

The redesign - A progress report
I am slowly but surely coming to grips with the deep dark secrets of the Cascading Style Sheet. I have my 3 white columns, I have my thin blue side bar, I have my beloved pale yellow background and, well, I'm not sure I like it. The sidebar ruins the effect, but I can't see how I can do without it. Where would I put the links and webrings and other bits?

Truthfully the whole thing looks more cluttered than before I started, and I still have no have no clue how I am going to break down the entries between each of the three columns. I honestly don't know how to do it. Even reducing it to two columns + sidebar doesn't solve the real issue.

Generic Blog Rant
I hate the design of my blog. Adam says I should go for more white space, less clutter. I'm thinking columns. A broadsheet feel. Three columns. Posts go from one column to the next and then to the third before dropping off into the archive. Maybe up to four posts per column. Problem is, what do I do with all the junk which sits in my sidebar at the moment? I don't think I can do three columns plus my side bar. Maybe a thin sidebar. Is that possible?

I guess I'm going to have to do a lot of reading about CSS and stuff.

Dough ray me
It's a bit upsetting to realise that all the clever, off-the-cuff things I've said in conversation over the years have not been written down by helpful sicophants. All those witty emails are long since deleted, all those charming letters; nobody's keeping carbons. My old website exists nowhere but in the caches of assorted landfill PCs.

Cicero had his servant Tiro following him about, writing down almost everything uttered by the great orator. What I really need is some cyber secretary. Some impossibly long-legged blonde eager to record my every thought and utterance.

Volunteers welcome.

If only I'd had a secretary about five years ago, when I first had the notion that busy families would be willing to pay a premium for the convenience of de-crusted bread. For it is a truth universally acknowledged that a child in posession of good portion of bread and peanut butter must be in want of a mother to cut off the crust. It seemed such a great idea to me, but everyone else just poo-pooed it.

Anyhow, to cut a long story short, Sara Lee has beaten me to it.

I wish I had pursued my dream; I could be rich and famous today! The hero of the pre-teen set. But, alas, I had no leggy secretary to record my epiffany. Surely there can been no graver injustice.

A public service
First things first. I don't drink Tango soft drinks. I don't even particularly like Tango, but there is no denying that they do make the best advertisements on British television. So, as a public service for those of you who don't live in the UK, I'm providing links for you to download the two ads of their latest, wonderful campaign.

I know, I know, you live in Australia or the US or in the Netherlands or wherever, and you've never heard of Tango. Don't let that stop you. I don't even like the drink myself, I'm simply standing here, hand on heart, other hand on keyboard, promising you that you will not regret the few minutes you spend downloading these. I also promise (or your money back) that these are the real deal. Or if they're not the real deal, they have the real deal's number on speed dial.

Oh, go on. They are very short, they're zipped up for your convenience and all your friends will think you're cooler than you actually are. Although I personally have always believed that you were far cooler than they gave you credit for being.

Download fun

The one with the Porcupine
The one with the Helmet

Why I am going to have to lift my game
Friend Ron has just given birth to a brand spanking new baby blog! It's called Nonsuch Views and if you pop over now, you'll find one heck of a doozy of a first posting, Maps and Women. Hold on to your hats folks, next issue Ron will be addressing the vexed issue that is Airline Food: So little flavour and the portions *so* small.

But seriously kids, it's well written, entertaining, perceptive and shows every sign of becomming your next daily read. So visit Nonsuch Views today and enjoy!

What I want to do when I grow up
Ahh.... Unemployment! With the cold, clamy hand of fate ready to deal me a joker, perhaps it's time to consider a job outside of IT. There's a whole world of exciting prospects to consider. Thank god for the Internet. Just a quick search today turned up all these new and rewarding possible role. Can you help me narrow it down a little?

Professional Crop Circle Designer	Have fun with geometry while you make hippies look like idiots. Break hay while the moon shines.
Evil Clown	Not everyone loves a clown. You have to have thick skin (and big feet) to make it in today's world of Evil Clowning.
Accountancy	Accountancy is not boring, not even a little bit.
Gentleman's Gentleman	The modern-day Jeeves has more to do than keep his charges away from Aunts and Cow Creamers. He's a lifestyle enabler.
Stylish Pimp	While I can't say I entirely approve of pimping as a career choice, the super natty hats more than make up for the moral reprehensibility.
Bull "Milker"	Well, somene has to do it.
Santa Claus	It sounds like santa has the ideal job, but how practical is it? (Blatantly ripped-off from an old National Lampoon issue)
Fast Food Restaurant Employee	Not sure if you could make it in the fast-paced world of Fast Food preperation? Try the simulator to find out for sure.
Professional Telephone Rejector	Got a cruel bone, or two, in your body? Become a Professional Telephone Rejector.

Online quizes: The last refuge of scoundrels
Yes, sorry, no real excuse for posting this kind of crap. Draw your own conclusions.

which "monty python and the holy grail" character are you?
this quiz was made by colleen




i'm a pup.
what kinda pet are you?

quiz made by muna.

Those Crazy Cannucks
National identity is a funny thing. What makes an Australian an Australian? What makes a Brit a Brit? If you're Scottish are you British? Good questions, all of them, but I'm not really planning on addressing them at all. No, today I'm going to be talking about Canadian national identity. What makest a Cannuck?

Speaking as an Australian who has lived all over (including Canadia) I am perhaps uniquely qualified to address this vexed question. Here we go...

They talk funny, skate to work and live in Igloos. The end.

I don't know, maybe I could have done a bit more research, what do you think?

Alright, but where can I turn to for information?

Hey, wait a minute, we all know that nothing says national identity like a beer comercial and it just so happens that a few years ago the Canaduckian brewer Molson attempted to answer the question on behalf of their consumers with an unqualified hit of an advertisment. Here is what Joe Canada had to say in what became known as "The Rant":

"Hey, I am not a lumberjack or fur trader, and I don’t live in an igloo or eat blubber or own a dog sled and I don’t know Jimmy, Sally, or Suzie from Canada, although I am certain they’re really, really nice. I have a prime minister, not a president; I speak English and French, not American; and I pronounce it ‘about,’ not ‘aboot.’ I can proudly sew my country’s flag on my backpack. I believe in peacekeeping, not policing; diversity, not assimilation; and that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal. A toque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch, and it’s pronounced zed, not zee, zed! Canada is the second largest landmass, and the first nation of hockey, and the best part of North America. My name is Joe, and I am Canadian! Thank you."

Actually a toque (pronounced too-ke) is a beanie. But that's neither here nor there.

The actor who played Joe became famous in Canuckistan, performing The Rant at Ice Hockey games, being interviewed defending the nobility of the beaver, and was universally lauded until the day he decided to move to Los Angeles.

See what happens when you hitch your star to an Actor?

Anyhow, for an in-depth look at the issue of Canadadian National Identity, please read Jeremy Lott's excellent piece at Reason Online.

Downloads in Glorious Quicktime (right click/save as)

The Original Rant OR a recent sequel, now with More Beaver Pride